What are you so afraid of?

I made a wedding dress last year. Yikes. Actually, I only partially made, or you could say, I remade it. My beautiful sister-in-law found a skirt she loved and asked me to make her a classic, vintage, scalloped neck bodice. So, I did. It was 100 hours of learning, trying, retrying, studying, asking, redrafting, and being terrified of the satin. Do you know how many layers are in some dresses?! So many cloths, options, fits, darts, cuts, adjustments, torn stitches, hand stitches. It was terrifying. I think it wouldn't have mattered what she wore. She is beautiful in everything, but this design was hers and it is completely her.  Here's a girl who just made the biggest decision of her life and she is smiling about it.

Sometimes we forget that under all the negative emotions we feel, there is actually a deeper emotion, the real emotion. The others are just our attempts at defense because the real emotion makes us vulnerable. It is fear. Fear of loss, failure, rejection, hurt. Next to it, is shame. But I'm not think about shame today. It is fear I am fighting today.

As a young adult, I wasn't afraid of anything. I thought. I lived on my own, ran late at night, went to work early in the mornings. I didn't feel afraid to try new things. Fast forward years and I find myself fighting fear of too many somethings. Usually, it's occasions, events, or people I can't predict. But somehow, my fear of making something up, like a wedding dress, hasn't surfaced. Maybe that's recklessness.

There are so many fantastic opportunities to be had as I battle fear. I learned to sew when I graduated from college. My first born was one and half. My second was half way here. We made a princess dress. Then a blanket. I had a pattern and a book. I wasn't afraid to try, to mess up, to figure out the 50 year old never-been-serviced-or-sewn-on-machine from Grandma.  I didn't feel bad about any of it. I don't even remember much shame. My girls wore what I made like it was perfect. No fear, just a desire to learn.

my space today. don't judge

I am still shocked at myself over that. I have learned so much over the last 14 years. To look at my sewing space, you  might think I know what I'm doing. But I'm still making it up, every time.

So what's with the fear thing? I know someone who went to San Francisco for a conference and spent all their free time in the hotel, because they were too afraid of what the city might hold. They missed the piers, the shops, the gardens, Chinatown food, souvenirs, sea lions, Mitchell's ice cream, sights, smells, colors, sounds. Not all would be pleasant, but how would we ever experience anything grand if we hole up because of fear.

on the mountain, waving to daddy in the picture

I fight fear everyday. Everyday my daughters walk out the door. Everyday I take my sons to school. Everyday. But it can't stop me. AND I won't let it stop my children. I fought my fear as I hiked a mountain with a two year old and sent the five year old ahead with everyone else.  But we watched the sun rise over the mountain.

I remade a fifty year old quilt. Unpicked entire thing, repaired, added, quilted, and wished I had could do better.


I made a queen size quilt in two weeks for my sister. I could have been afraid of the time, the pattern, the size, the strain quilting a lot in a short time can cause.  But look what we did instead. And, I now know how long a queen size takes me.

before

after

This is my favorite from last year. Seth left town and the kids and I reupholstered our couches. For the record, Seth knew it was going to happen and picked the fabric. My kids worked hard. All of them. Even Annie had a little hammer and was banged away on the project. Plus, I acquired a really old sewing machine and tools for it. Fear of crazy things shouldn't hold us back. I watched my kids be curious, diligent, dedicated, hardworking. Some of them discovered a love of building, of fabric, of creating.

Just Love life. Do hard things, that are actually good for you.  Set boundaries- that can be scary. Hold to them. Love the people and try new things. Go new places. Push your fear aside and make a memory. Make mistakes and laugh. Explore, discover. You might find a freedom and opportunity you never knew you would love. I don't know why I wanted to sew. It sure has taken over my life, but it keeps me learning, trying, even serving (surprise!!). Be brave and fight the fear, whatever it is.



Thanks Ams for the chance to try. Thank you Seth for taking chance on me. Maybe you should have been afraid of that.