It is funny. When faced with something my brain interprets as stressful or threatening, my appetite is abolished and I pace.  Naturally, in such situations and moments, the gravity of the consequences are not always at the forefront of my thoughts. That is a coping mechanism. After the most serious threat is past, my defenses crumble. I can't cope with the minimal amount of extra noise or requests, the reality of what-could-have-been is thrust forward, and since there is no one here to put their safe arms around me, my need for comfort becomes greater than my need to be thin.

Someone very dear to me went to the ER today in tremendous pain. Hours and a surgery later, the good news is the patient is breathing on their own. THAT IS THE GOOD NEWS!?!!? It is good news, but it clearly indicates the threat of the moment. Life is fragile and so out of our control. Maybe someone who deals frequently with mortality and the ups and downs of health would think little of what occurred today, but when those ups and downs threaten someone so close to my heart, I can't help but feel the sorrow, worry, and even fear of the moment as too much is threatened with loss.  While some of the loss is inevitable, I am grateful we did not lose our patient today. Our patient will recover with sorrow of their own.  So while we wait, too far away, for the patient to wake up, I will cry and write out my feelings, and eat M&Ms.



***Update: Thank Heaven for modern medicine. They saved a life today! It was worse than I thought, and turned out the best we could have hoped. I must also thank Heaven for modern communication for keeping us close when we are so far away from each other.