babies

Lily walked by tonight, in her blue nightgown, holding her blond doll swaddled like a baby and resting in the crook of her elbow. She hummed her way up the stairs. She didn't look around. I observed, unobserved, and thought of the lovely scene before me. A little girl, full in innocence and joy, loving the way she feels to and wants to be.

Earlier in the evening, we pulled out the winter clothes and replaced the "too small" clothes. Each time I removed something from the box, Sam asked "Is that fo me?" or "Is i my ize?" If it were for him, he beamed and set it in his pile. If it was for Adam, and most of it was, he said "oh."

Sam also gave me the pleasure of doing my duty.
***CAUTION: CONTAINS GROSS DETAILS!***
Well. It all began with "I need to go potty." So off he went. I helped him settle in and went to take care of some baby business. I returned to put Adam in the tub, only to find Sam standing around. Toilet unflushed, I knew I had unfinished business. As I cleaned him up, my eyes followed the tp into the toilet. All should have been well at this point, but something caught my eye. It wasn't the color that stood out, but the shape. What is that in the toilet half buried in the brown poop? "You have got to be kidding me" what all that crossed my mind. It was quickly followed by "gross. Can I just flush that?" Alas, I could not. Sam had dropped a hair clip into the murky water and left it for me to discover. It was too big to go anywhere, and I knew it would only cause more problems if I left it. I finished cleaning the boy, told him I didn't like this, and quickly squelched my squeamishness as I reach into the muck to withdraw the item. -----Stepping aside from the story, I will reveal a secret. As gross as that is, it didn't really bother me. I could have allowed that feeling of impending nausea to surface, as it was quickly on it's way. I could have left it for someone else to deal with, but who? Oh wait, that would be me. I wasn't numb to it, but my duty over came my disgust and I did what I knew had to be done with a mere second passing before I plunged in. A tumult flashed across my brain and twisted my emotions in less than a second, and something else took over. I've I done it? Did I cross into true motherhood, when instinct takes over and allows me to function in one swift motion despite my own inclination? It is a marked moment for me. I feel like there is something stronger within me. I feel accomplished. There. How is that? I feel a sense of accomplishment for overcoming me and serving the greater good instead of recoiling at the opportunity. You might say, it's just a hair clip. But I will remind you, it's just a hair clip in a soft pile of poop and in that moment, I saw clearly a part of myself I don't often step back to look at, even though she is usually in command. Tonight, I saw her as a third person. A stronger me. Thank Heaven I have babies who teach me about myself.